Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Writing it down...

 I woke up a couple days ago, on Monday morning feeling excited about the week. We had a great weekend with family listening to General Conference. I actually like Monday's, they feel like the first page of a brand new notebook or something, I love that it is a fresh start. I woke up at 5, taught my classes, went to the gym, listened to a good podcast and was home just as the kids were waking up. Then I heard about the shooting in Las Vegas. I was horrified and shocked. I couldn't do anything the rest of the day. I didn't leave the house, I cried in the shower, I felt so heavy, so pissed, and so helpless. I couldn't be productive at all, everything that seemed important felt pointless.

What the crap is wrong with people?! Stop shooting other people. Like how does a person, who once was an innocent baby and child turn into that kind of sick monster? What is going on?  I just thought about all the moms and dads that weren't coming home to their kids. I thought about how that must have felt to be there. I was discouraged with all the arguing going on about the politics of all this, like can we just stop fighting? I already have the thoughts when I am in crowded places that something horrible like this could happen, and it did. Ben and I are leaving our kids for the first time to go on a little anniversary trip this weekend. I already have so much anxiety about it, and this made me full on panic.

I am still grieving for the families, I'm also grieving my sense of safety in my 'safe' little world. I'm grieving that I have to raise my kids in this and if I will ever be able to stop worrying about their safety everytime we leave the house. Everett was oblivious of course, I thought about telling him why I was so sad that day, but when I thought about it and how I would explain it, I really don't even think his little innocent brain could comprehend something so evil. I was in seventh grade when the terror attack on September 11th happened. I saw the footage that morning at my grandma's house and I heard people talking about it at school. For most of the day, I had thought that something had malfunctioned on the plane, or the pilot accidentally fell asleep or something and that it was an accident that a plane flew into a building. I couldn't understand that someone did that ON PURPOSE! How could that even be possible?

So I wallowed all day, I still can't stop thinking about it. But I was inspired by messages of hope and stories of heroism I saw on the news and social media. To feel helpless and broken means they win.

I  loved this quote I saw from Jane Goodall on Bravery Mag's Instagram:

"I like to envision the whole world as a jigsaw puzzle...If you look at the whole picture, it is overwhelming and terrifying, but if you work on your little part of the jigsaw and know that people all over the world are working on their little bits, that's what gives you hope."

Today, Everett's preschool put on a little talent show. Each of the 16 kids got up and did a little sweet talent, and I saw all the parents beaming at their kids, mouthing the words and giving them big hugs after to their proud 4-year-olds. I had the thought that all these people are doing their little corner, they are doing it right and that gives me hope.

So I breathe. I accept these feelings of anger, fear and sorrow, but I refuse to drown in them, I have to focus on my corner, focus on what I can control, be the good, raise good and kind children the best I can.

I know these are not the most eloquent of thoughts, but I felt I needed to write something down, to help me process and work out the anxiety I feel about it all.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Halloween 2016, the one I forgot to blog about

I didn't realize until now, a year later, I never blogged about Halloween 2016, and although it is just way past the window of blogging statute of limitation, these photos deserve to be on the internet!

I give you Tommy Pickles and Chucky Finster:

I'm getting so excited for Halloween this year, pumpkin spice smell is in the air, it's chilly enough for socks and my amazon cart is full of pieces for our family costume!!

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Bla Bla Bla I made out with a Key Lime Tart yadda yadda....

After Everett's soccer game the other night at Rock Canyon

Happy Thursday that should be Friday! It feels like Friday. We don't have any grand plans for the weekend. Everett has soccer, which is kind of my favorite thing, and I want to be a soccer mom for the rest of my life. We have a to-do list of "Watch Nightmare Before Christmas" (I've never seen it), check out Chalk the Block at the Riverwoods, and Women's Conference! It is 5:30am right now. I am up supposed to be teaching Chinese kids English online (a little side job diddy I do) but the student is a no-show, but I can't leave-so I thought why not bbbbllllaaa bbbllllaaaa, bllloooogggg! I have some completely random and unrelated thoughts to share and internet links.

++Let's get back to the I've never seen Nightmare Before Christmas. When I tell people this they gawk and gasp, it looks weird and creepy and I have never had any desire to watch it, buuuutttt since Ben and I are heading to Disneyland at Halloween (first overnight without kids ever!!!)  and it's all about Jack Skeleton or something, it is something I must do. Is Everett too young for it? It is Disney right?

++Fall is in the air right? I can't go full Halloween just yet, I'm an October 1st kind of girl. These skeleton pajamas were the boy's favorite thing ever last year, so I need to order again a size up before they sell out. Do I have our Halloween costumes planned already? Since last Halloween people. I keep thinking I won't be able to top last years costumes, but it's about the fun right. Ben and I are joining in this year too, which I'm really excited about it. I did find their picture on this random click bait article about inventive Halloween costumes (#11) basically FAMOUS! Check out his Albert Einstein year, and Patrick as the Dalai Lama at 11 days old will always be a favorite.

++Speaking of fall, if you have watched my Instagram stories, you know I have been on a fall clothes FEST lately. I haven't been buying much, but online browsing like it is my job. Here are a few items that are in my abandoned online shopping carts around the web. This camel sweater from Nordstrom. Camel and bows, enough said. I tried on this Madewell shirt sweater top at the store and fell in love but alas walked away. Basically just everything at Madewell, especially this mock neck sweater, I love mock necks, it's like "hey I'm a turtleneck but I like to have 2 inches more fun"! This sweater from a China site is a look-a-like I found for that Madewell one, but you know, it's from a China website so def not as good quality and you never know what you are gonna get so buyers beware (I have had good luck with stuff from there and the reviews are great for this one).
Did you guys know scrunchies are making a comeback? I'm a trend skank so you know I bought a 3 pack. Same with fanny packs (which I think would be peerrrrfffeeeccctttt at Disneyland) Here's another one. I picked up these linen breezy easy pants from Gap for $10 with coupons, a look-alike for these coastal pants I wanted all summer from Anthro.

++You know how wardrobe capsules are all the rage right now? Basically, you pick a certain number of clothing pieces for the whole season (10 shirts, 4 sweaters, 5 pants, 3 shoes, 3 dresses etc) and you only wear that 'capsule' for like 3-4 months! I love the idea of this, the minimalism, the challenge of making new outfits from the same pieces and not worrying as much as what to wear. Here is the thing though. I have been scarred by the Lizzie Mcguire movie. Do you remember that scene where they are at graduation in their grad gowns and the mean girl calls Lizzie out for wearing the same dress under her gown as she did to some dance, unzips her gown and says "LIZZIE MCQUIRE YOU ARE AN OUTFIT REPEATER" I apparently deeply internalized that moment, because I have this fear of outfit repeating. The other day a friend was looking at my phone pictures and wondered why I had so many full body, headless selfies. I was very embarrassed that she had discovered my secret folder where I take a picture to remember what I wore certain days, so I don't repeat that outfit for like another 3 months!! If I have a favorite piece of clothing, like that I LOVE I wear it like once a year, because I  hoard it and save it just sitting in my closet. Such a dummy. I'm really going to try and stop this paralyzing fear of outfit repeating but for now, no capsule wardrobe for me. And that concludes the dumbest paragraph I've ever put out on the internet.

The clip: (start at 45 seconds)

++I had a girls night in Salt Lake this week with some friends and it was so fun. We painted nails, ate takeout Kneaders and chatted our faces off all night. Every time I get together with girlfriends I think I need to do it more often. It is so therapeutic and such a nice break. Now let's talk about Kneaders. Have you ever had their key lime tart? I love lemon and lime desserts. I have been off sugar about 95% of the time for the past 4 months but I got the key lime tart and let me tell you I was having a MOMENT with this tart. It was the most delicious thing I have ever had. I was moaning probably, definitely, praying the other girls didn't ask for a bite while I savored and died over this dessert. It was embarrassing, but I was raving and dying over this freaking tart.  It reminded me of the time this summer I had just finished a Whole 45 (45 days of no sugar, carbs etc.) (I'm so annoying I know), and I was driving to the airport and decided to treat myself to my fav road trip snack. Peanut M &M's. Same thing. I died. There were literal happy tears streaming down my cheeks while eating them. No exxageration.
So that's the thing-I've mentioned I've been trying to eat super clean and healthy this summer, and for some people, after doing this for a while, their cravings go away. Not me. I still want sugar and treats SO BAD all day every day. I guess its ok because I REALLY appreciate them when I do partake.

++I listened to this episode of This American Life the other day and was totally enthralled and surprised by it.

++I read one of those stupid click-bait facebook articles that are usually such a waste of time and halfway through, you're like why do I care "What the actors of the Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman Look Like Now"!! Although, this particular one was about things you can do every day to increase your productivity, and it's working. It had all the benefits and studies about making your bed every day and how all the billionaires started out making their beds or something, so I have been doing that and it really is making me so much happier. So go make your bed and get rich!

Happy ThurFriday!

Monday, September 18, 2017

Unbelievable siiiggghhhttttssss, Indescribable fffeeeellllliiiinnnggggsss

You guys know by now, Disneyland has my heart. It's weird. I know. I didn't grow up going to Disneyland or anything. Our good friends Jordan and Britton took Ben and me for our first time after we were first married. I had always wanted to go, and we walked in the gates, and I cried immediately, ate a giant pickle and was completely hooked ever since. Since Ben has worked in Southern California the last four summers, and the summers have not been the easiest, Disneyland has been our little reward for our family and bringing kids there is the icing on the cake  churro! 

Our trip at the end of this Summer in August has been one of my favorites yet. Patrick was obsessed with the characters, like shaking he was so excited to meet Goofy. He grabbed Mickey by the face and gave him a big kiss right on the nose and I'll remember it forever! Even now, the only thing Patrick will watch is youtube videos of Disneyland. He won't watch any show or movie, just Disneyland. We also did the Mark Twain Riverboat for the first time=magical tears and saw the new revamped Fantasmic show, which was UNREAL! 

Would anyone be interested in a tips and tricks post for Disneyland? I know there are 7 million blogs already out there with tips and schedules and what not but I like to think I have a few secret ones up my sleeve? 

PS!!! Ben and I are going on our first ever overnight date without kids since Everett was born in three weeks for our anniversary, and guess where we are going? People keep laughing at me when I tell them that we are going to Disneyland without our kids, but I'm a diehard and it will be totally different experience with just us two! The trip will be less than 48 hours, and we plan to squeeze every bit of magic out of it!

Tuesday, September 5, 2017


I keep doing this, writing a post, not quite finishing it and then never posting it. I wrote this post two weeks ago, most of it still applies so I am posting anyway:

I haven't been sleeping well the last week or so. I can't turn off my brain off at night and I am thinking and stressing and latching onto random things. Some important things like bills to pay, life decisions, some unimportant like, do I like Archie with Betty or Veronica on Riverdale? I thought it might help if I just write all my running thoughts down and get it out. So here is a "Currently-ish" post:

Currently looking forward to: The end of Summer. I am excited and anxious to go back to Provo, have my own house and things, get into a routine, maybe sleep in once or twice and HAVE A HUSBAND AGAIN!! This summer has been amazing. I love that my boys have grown so close to my parents, they have been living the dream swimming with all their cousins and friends every day and I have the BEST group of girl friends here (Bachelor nights have saved my soul this summer)!! This summer has also been one of the hardest of my life. I just understand why families are supposed to be together.  We have seen Ben for 10 days in FOUR MONTHS and 6 of those days were for just a couple hours. I think all single moms everywhere should get free money and free spa days like every other week, because I just have no greater respect for single moms and military moms. It is so. hard. I just miss having my partner. I couldn't give the boys the one on one time they needed daily because there was just one of me. My patience was sooo much less than it usually is when Ben is around on the daily and I became overwhelmed so much easier.  I am ashamed that I lost my cool on the kids more times this summer than I have in all my parenting career and I just felt like I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be because I was spread too thin. I also miss being a team with Ben, the "tap out" option when I just need him to take over bath and bed time, but also just being together, where a trip to Costco is a fun family date, instead of a chore. The looks you give each other when one of the kids do something impossibly cute or funny. Ya, I am ready to go home, go on some much needed dates, book myself a weekend away and be together again.

Currently Reading: I read the series "To all the boys I've loved before" by Jenny Han. It was an easy, high-school romance read, which means I loved it soooo much. They are currently making a movie of it, and I was careful to not look up who they had cast as characters before I read it, because that totally ruined Hunger Games for me forever ago. How could you ever be Team Peeta if you knew Liam Hemsworth was Gail?! Anyways, now that I have finished the book, and completely in love with the main character Peter K, I am a little disappointed with the casting. I pictured Nick Robinson (Ben Parrish from the 5th Wave, Everything Everything) or Ansel Elgort (Gus from Fault in Our starts) He is just supposed to be the dreamiest of all the dreamy boys and the guy they chose isn't doing it for me. But hopefully he can live up to the Peter K role!

I am also currently reading The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty. I know I'm so late to the party on this one, but I am really enjoying it so far, although really scared how it is all going to work out happily by the end, because if you know me, I only like a happy ending.

Currently Loving: Watching my kids learn SO much. Everett learned to FULL ON swim this summer. He is only 4 and he swims on his own, no floaties, tricks off the diving board, touches the bottom of the 8-foot-pool swims! I am just so proud of him and he loves it SO much, it has been so fun to watch him.

Another milestone for Everett is learning to push up his own freezie/otterpop this summer. Just. so. proud. Moms, please tell me you know what I am talking about.

Patrick is saying a million words and new ones every day. It is so strange to hear "Froot Loops please" come out of his tiny human mouth. All the social interaction has been so good for him here where he is surrounded by lots of people and he is a little less clingy to me and ok if I leave the room (sometimes). I am still pretty sure I will be in nursery with him for the next two years regardless though. Patrick also learned to sleep this summer, which was such a huge blessing, without it, I don't think we would have made it through.

Currently Wanting: This happens every year at the end of summer, as I think about returning to our place, I start thinking about all the changes I want to make there and all the things I want to get rid of and replace and redecorate. I want to go back to school shopping for myself, despite not going back to school yadda yadda yadda. I ordered this rug after pining for it for ev ev ev. I got it on super sale and am so excited to see how it brightens up our living room.  Next on my list is lots of plants for the house, a headboard for our bed and my dad and I (mostly my dad) are working on refinishing an old dining room table!

I LOVE these Madewell mules, which are so IN this season, but $$$, these Gap Factory ones are close enough I think! I also love these sold out ones from The Stock Place.  I really want this sups cute free people shirt, and trying every way I can in my head to justify it, but haven't bit the bullet yet, and it is like the cheapest thing on their site haha. I also want all the culottes and wide leg pants. I know guys hate them, but I feel like a trendy gypsy and I don't even care. These ones are so cute! Also because of Kayti from the beyouty bureau (such a fun account to follow guys) I want this blue mascara so bad, but so must every other girl in the US, because it is so hard to find!

Currently in the Health and Fitness Category: So I mentioned before I was trying to get my butt into shape this summer. It was time, after a 2-year break from working out! I had my 10 year High School Reunion this summer, so that was a good excuse to get moving. I did one Whole 30 in June and then 90% Paleo for July and August along with regular work outs. I lost all my baby weight, feel much better and I know it is cliche but I really do have more energy.  It feels good to treat my body right and take advantage of what it is capable of. At the beginning of the summer, I would go for runs, with my kids in the stroller, one morning my mom offered to watch them while I went, it was the best run of my life. FFFRRRREEEEDDDDDOOOMMMM!! Music blasting, endorphins flowing, I literally had tears running down my cheeks listening to "This is my fight song, take back my life song" It just felt so good to take my life back and do something about it, followed closely by the Britney song "Work B****, just so empowering hahaha jk jk. I avoided running with the kids at all costs for the rest of the summer ha!

I can't believe summer is just about over. One for the books, I already miss it yet crave it being over. Weird. K bye. Never know how to end blog posts......Work B**** JK again! k bye.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Happy Birthday Ben! Thirty Flirty and Thriving!

It is Ben's birthday today. We have known each other for 8 of his birthdays now, and have only been physically together for 2 of them. It is especially breaking my heart today because he is THIRTY! I wanted to throw a big party, shower him with love and finally give him the birthday he deserves......Maybe 31.....Womp Womp. Well I decided to write 30 fun facts about Ben for his dirty thirty, and post some pictures of him that I love (and he will hate) Happy Birthday Bennie boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

1) He doesn't like ketchup with his french fries
2) ...or chocolate chips in his chocolate chip cookies
3) He used to be a professional gamer bahaha, and was ranked #18 in the world at his game with 1 million players.
4) He doesn't care about clothes in the very least bit AT ALL. All he cares about is the comfort. His favorite shirts are at least 10 years old. He entertained me and let me buy him clothes for the first year of marriage, then just slowly stopped wearing the nice things I bought and brought back out the old t-shirts.
5) He loves 90's music. Blink 182, Sum 41 etc.
6) He loves Mcdonalds, not even just because it's cheap. He just really loves it.
7) Loyalty is so important to him and even though that sometimes drives me crazy in certain situations, I love that about him too.
8) He is pretty sure he had never held a baby before our own.
9) Sleep is his most valued thing. He is the opposite of a morning person. If I want to give him a gift, it is the gift of sleep.
10) He can fall asleep anywhere, anytime and in under 30 seconds flat. Like mid-conversation
11) He sleeps with his pillow over top of his face with just his lips poking out the bottom.
12) He worked towing cars in Provo for 4 years all night and has some crazy stories.
13) He doesn't like candy or dessert
14)...or breakfast. If we go out for breakfast at like 9:30 or 10am he gets a cheeseburger and a Coke.
15) He is a really really good driver. I always feel very safe and comfortable if he is driving.
16) He thinks food trucks are the worst thing in the world and hates the trendy restauraunts I love so much.
17) He has never had a cavity.
18) He has had the most random jobs in his life- he worked in a candied nut factory, video store (like VHS), a snow cone shack, UPS package boy. He gets physically ill when he smells candied nuts now.
19) I was his first girlfriend.
20) He always does the dishes, is a clean person, helps me out a ton with the housework.
21) He builds entire computers from scratch, can solve any computer problem, but is self-admittedly not a handy man whatsoever when it comes to fixing stuff around the house.
22) He is obsessed with Tesla, he hates Apple.
23) He is generally very easy going. He always lets me choose the restaurant (except food trucks), he doesn't stress out about much and totally opposite of me.
24) He has never been to a concert.
25) He is very generous. He has a list of people he is going to send large checks to if we ever get rich.
26) He is very kind. Always puts me and the kids first no questions asked.
27) He is so so funny. It takes a while to understand his very sarcastic humor. Usually, people can't tell if he is joking or not, I sometimes still don't know. He makes me laugh every day.
28) Is one of the most likable people I know. I really don't know anyone who has met him that does not like him.
29) Such a good dad. I couldn't ask for better. He is my partner and my teammate, the boys ADORE him. He changes diapers, plays games, tells the best bedtime stories, teaches them things I can't, shows them how proud he is of them, and is the best example of Christ-like behavior, hard work and how to treat their wife.
30) He is the best husband in the world. I am realizing after this time apart, how much I need him, how much comfort he gives me and how he is the bread to my buttah!

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