1) Baby wakes up at 5:11am. and 2:00am before that and 11pm before that.
2) Feed baby. Baby falls asleep while nursing Score!
3) Baby has loud audible "bathroom"
4) Consider leaving it. Check for leakage.
5) Leakage. Crap
6) Change Diaper. Change Sleeper
7) Baby is awake and smiling. Hi sweetheart...no dangit, you are awake, close your eyes, go back to sleep, it's not morning yet.
8) Attempt all possible ways of getting baby back to sleep without leaving the bed.
9) Attempts are futile.
10) Bring baby out to living room and bounce on ball with him.
11) Turn on TV, nothing on. Keep bouncing
12) Finally baby is asleep
13) Place baby in swing.
14) Go lay down to get some sleep while baby is sleeping.
15) Stomach growls. Realize I am starving.
16) Put bread in toaster
17) Drop knife with audible clang
18) Baby wakes up crying
19) Repeat steps 11-13
20) Go back for toast.
21) Toast is cold. Throw toast away
22) Other options. Cereal? Off dairy Eggs? way too much work. Yogurt? still off dairy.
23) I don't need breakfast. I need sleep.
24) Go lay on couch.
25) To check instagram or not to check instagram? No! Sleep!
26) Doorbell Rings. Panic
27) Baby is restless now. Do not move. Be very still. Do not open door. Will never know who was at my door at 7am.
28) Baby wakes up crying.
29) Think murderous thoughts about anonymous doorbell ringer.
30) Repeat steps 11-13
31) Lay on couch.
32) Lawn mowers start outside window. This is a joke right?
33) Baby wakes up crying.
34) Baby has a snack and a blowout.
35) Change diaper. Put dirty diaper next to 4 other dirty diapers on my coffee table. Ew that's gross.
36) Do nothing.
37) While noticing gross diapers. Baby pees all over me, my shirt and pants.
38) Change diaper. Change sleeper.
39) Spray and wash sleeper.
40) Start to change my own clothes.
41) Baby starts screaming.
42) Run to baby
43) Repeat steps 11-13 sans clothes.
44) Baby is asleep in the swing.
45) Put on clothes.
46) Lay on couch. I still smell like pee. Did it get on the couch?
47) Check instagram.
48) Think about blogging this ridiculous almost comical morning.
49) Close eyes.
50) I'm pretty awake now actually. I don't need a nap.
51) Do pointless things. Tidy up coffee table diaper cemetery. Start load of laundry. Check instagram again.
Stare at baby. Watch Micheal and Kelly. Why doesn't he get that tooth gap fixed?
52) Baby wakes up happy and smiling.
2 hours later....
Crash...burn....dying....utter regret....help....need sleep....