Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Week Pits and Peaks


--Losing my two very favorite necklaces. One was a Mothers Day gift and one was a Christmas gift from Ben last year. I just want to scream, I hate losing things. I know, I know #justthings #replacable still so mad.

--Spending way too much time and effort on a preschool Halloween snack that turned out too scary that the kids wouldn't even touch it haha  (The worms are made from Jello in a straw, on top of pudding, whip cream and dirt (Oreos)) NEVER AGAIN. I was thinking at 1am when I was jimmy-rigging straws in a loaf of bread with elastics and then squeezing them out with my cold dead fingers one-by-one WHY DO I DO THIS CRAP?!

--An indirect heartbreak that is just killing me.

--Staying up way too long sewing, gluing, painting pieces for our Halloween costumes this year, and then teaching in the wee hours of the morning #zombie #nocostume

--Realizing the very select group of people that will know and appreciate our costume this year.

--Our van got keyed, like bad, from one end to the other. I just do not understand what kind of person does that. Ben says it was probably because I parked bad and someone got revenge but COME ON! Even if I did (which I didn't, I'm an excellent parker) who does that?!

--New white Nikes-someone stepped on my foot with their dirty shoe

--The kids were soooo excited to carve pumpkins and begging and begging. We cut off the tops and they both refused to touch the guts, Patrick was crying he was terrified of it, he was even gagging. They obviously couldn't really help with the carving part and they both lost interest and claimed it "boring" very quickly.


++My mom's birthday!! Happy Birthday Mom, thanks for being the best mom and friend in the world. I wanted to throw her a huge party but she made me promise not to.  I wish we could have been together for your birthday.

++Teaching Everett the dance to go along with our costumes and seeing how excited he is for everything Halloween and trick or treating. Like it is 9 am on Halloween and he has already asked if we can get ready to go trick or treating 11 times, it's going to be a long 8 hours.

++I have picked out Ever's costumes for the past 4 Halloweens, and I did again this year for our family costume, but I let him pick what he wanted to be for preschool and he chose a Vampire, he made a very creepy and adorable bloodsucker if I do say so myself

++During said late night crafting, Ben and I have been watching Stranger Things 2, have you guys heard of it? hahahah JK! We are 5 episodes in, trying not to have it end too fast! I am so impressed, it's still soo good. They had so much pressure for a good season 2 and they are doing it! It scares the crap out of me but I love it. Anyone else dreaming about it every night?

++My friends just bought their late grandparents home and everything was left inside of it. We had a late night party going through closets and closets of vintage clothing and I was in heaven and got some stuff I'm so excited about!

++Skippy Peanut butter balls at Costco

++The above-mentioned carved pumpkins lit up at night


Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Writing it down...

 I woke up a couple days ago, on Monday morning feeling excited about the week. We had a great weekend with family listening to General Conference. I actually like Monday's, they feel like the first page of a brand new notebook or something, I love that it is a fresh start. I woke up at 5, taught my classes, went to the gym, listened to a good podcast and was home just as the kids were waking up. Then I heard about the shooting in Las Vegas. I was horrified and shocked. I couldn't do anything the rest of the day. I didn't leave the house, I cried in the shower, I felt so heavy, so pissed, and so helpless. I couldn't be productive at all, everything that seemed important felt pointless.

What the crap is wrong with people?! Stop shooting other people. Like how does a person, who once was an innocent baby and child turn into that kind of sick monster? What is going on?  I just thought about all the moms and dads that weren't coming home to their kids. I thought about how that must have felt to be there. I was discouraged with all the arguing going on about the politics of all this, like can we just stop fighting? I already have the thoughts when I am in crowded places that something horrible like this could happen, and it did. Ben and I are leaving our kids for the first time to go on a little anniversary trip this weekend. I already have so much anxiety about it, and this made me full on panic.

I am still grieving for the families, I'm also grieving my sense of safety in my 'safe' little world. I'm grieving that I have to raise my kids in this and if I will ever be able to stop worrying about their safety everytime we leave the house. Everett was oblivious of course, I thought about telling him why I was so sad that day, but when I thought about it and how I would explain it, I really don't even think his little innocent brain could comprehend something so evil. I was in seventh grade when the terror attack on September 11th happened. I saw the footage that morning at my grandma's house and I heard people talking about it at school. For most of the day, I had thought that something had malfunctioned on the plane, or the pilot accidentally fell asleep or something and that it was an accident that a plane flew into a building. I couldn't understand that someone did that ON PURPOSE! How could that even be possible?

So I wallowed all day, I still can't stop thinking about it. But I was inspired by messages of hope and stories of heroism I saw on the news and social media. To feel helpless and broken means they win.

I  loved this quote I saw from Jane Goodall on Bravery Mag's Instagram:

"I like to envision the whole world as a jigsaw puzzle...If you look at the whole picture, it is overwhelming and terrifying, but if you work on your little part of the jigsaw and know that people all over the world are working on their little bits, that's what gives you hope."

Today, Everett's preschool put on a little talent show. Each of the 16 kids got up and did a little sweet talent, and I saw all the parents beaming at their kids, mouthing the words and giving them big hugs after to their proud 4-year-olds. I had the thought that all these people are doing their little corner, they are doing it right and that gives me hope.

So I breathe. I accept these feelings of anger, fear and sorrow, but I refuse to drown in them, I have to focus on my corner, focus on what I can control, be the good, raise good and kind children the best I can.

I know these are not the most eloquent of thoughts, but I felt I needed to write something down, to help me process and work out the anxiety I feel about it all.

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